On Tuesday we went to the hospital and were admitted to the inpatient psychiatric ward again. It wasn't that long ago but we were never really well when we were discharged last time even though we encouraged ourselves that we were feeling better. Anyway, I'm extremely low on energy and depressive plus dissociative. So now we're here and will most likely be discharged on Monday because the chief physician has already decided that... It doesn't matter if we feel better, worse or the same. But we'll see on Monday, let's write down what we want to say so we can say everything.

Today there was an incident that we have reported so that the staff can get more resources, because it was very chaotic at that time. It is not an excuse but an explanation. Yesterday several new patients arrived and both last night and this morning have been chaotic with constant alarms. We got stuck in a dissociation after breakfast and it was lifted around 12, when the department's psychologist came in and helped us get out of it. That meant they had missed my 08:00 medication plus the supervisions throughout the morning. If they had done supervision, they would have seen that I was dissociating.

I don't have much to write otherwise, I'm tired and more tired so I'm not doing much at the moment.

Got a nice warning sign here on the blog. It can only handle 99 posts, so now I have to make another blog tab. I will name this one blog part 1 and the other one blog part 2.

Hope everything is well with you!

It feels like I'm going to have a total meltdown. In the last few weeks we've had a lot of dissociations, shifts and memory gaps. There's also been self-harm and it's been a long time since the last one, the last time was yesterday and it doesn't feel good. We have no memory of last night and it feels unpleasant as usual. Now there's talk of going to the hospital but I don't really know what they can do to stop us dissociating... I really don't want to go there.

The most frustrating thing is that we don't know why we're dissociating more right now. It's been a lot for quite a while now. I felt really bad in November and December, then there were very messy hospitalizations for several weeks... Then grandma got sick and other things. I get extremely worried that something really dangerous will happen during a dissociative episode or when some destructive part fronts... I don't know... but I guess I haven't really gotten into the groove after all. I have less energy and desire, I don't even want to be in the stable and we usually think that's fun. We've been going to sleep during the day (which we never do otherwise) because we're so tired because of the dissociations and changes.

So I don't know... I/we are probably still depressed, but I don't feel acutely suicidal and that's when we usually go to the hospital. At the same time, things start to happen like self-harm and wandering off/getting confused. Yesterday I didn't recognize the face of one of the staff (who I know well) and didn't understand that it was him when the other staff said I should go there. It wasn't until the staff started talking that I recognized the voice. There has also been a lot of new staff because they chose to remove the resource team (who seemed like permanent temporary workers) and now hired lots of new hourly employees. Don't get me wrong, they are great people BUT they don't know me and my signals and they don't notice, for example, that I am dissociative. Then they are also here less often than the resource team was and I have time to forget their faces and names and so...

The gist of this is... I don't know, but we're not feeling well and we don't know what to do. If you have any tips, we'd be happy to hear them.

All the best to you!

// Freya

I was 10 years old and small for my age... A child! And you took everything from me.

I was shattered! Shattered instead of whole... My life is not mine but ours. We are many wills inside here.

My vision becomes blurry and my hearing becomes dull, the world seems distant. I can't move my body... Time stands still. Where am I?... In an immobile body, a body that I hate. My feet are gone, my whole being is mute. We sit like that for a long time... When my hearing comes back, the sounds feel sharp, all the light blinds me and my legs are numb because you shouldn't sit still for that long.

It's called dissociation. Dissociating can be done in many ways, getting stuck is one...

I feel blurry and vague, I slip in and out. Someone else pushes me, it goes black, I disappear. Someone else is in front, someone else is in control. I remain inside, gone, a nothing...

Two days later and I see the light again but I don't know what has happened. Detective work... Where am I? What am I wearing? What am I doing? What time is it and what date is it? My heart is pounding, the stress is high until things are sorted out, again... Someone is with me, but who? Focus. Focus! I'm home and safe, the staff is with me. Breathe. Breathe. It's no danger. What was I doing just now, what has happened? Everything is one big blur... Apparently I was supposed to cook... I guess I'll have to do it then.

I see myself as if from the outside. What is she or I doing? Sitting there with the blade in my hand. No! Stop. Damn how stupid. Don't do it! I see the blood seeping out. I see but feel nothing... I'm blurry and confused. The hate seeps in, the hate for this disgusting ugly body. The hate scares me but I can't stop. I'm not in control. Stop! Please! This is so stupid... Now there won't be any water aerobics for two weeks...

Loss of control is annoying and scary. I can't control because there are several of us here inside the brain. We experience ourselves as multiple personalities.

I open the fridge door - Yellow juice - Everything goes black. My heart races and my vision goes black. I don't want to drink, please no! You have to, he said then, you have to, he says now, firmly inside. It hurt before and the shame after... You have to come back again and again and again and again...

A child, the body feels big and clumsy... Where am I? Where are my toys?... I want to jump in a puddle... Draw! Draw all that... But we're not allowed to. I'm small but big, how does it all fit together?

Back to everything. Shut up! All the kids are laughing at me. What have I done? Nothing... I exist.

Chaos inside with many selves. One wants something, another something else, a third something third and a fourth something fourth... You have to be an adult, you have to be normal, no one should know about your inner selves! But is it so dangerous to be crazy?! Hating yourself is stupid, but otherwise...

Everything becomes gray and black, sad and depressing. Why should we fight anymore?! I wake up... Where am I now? In a hospital, again... What has happened this time? Lots of stupid and dangerous things... New scars and traumas. What if it had worked out?! What if we had left everyone including our son!! Now I'm scared, it would be a disaster!

Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder is chaos, many wills and holes, a chopped up mind... Lots of flashbacks, dissociations and depressions... Food is hard to swallow sometimes, as the body is disgusting and disgusting and everything... Away with it...

Memories that hurt and push us down so hard that we can't stand. But still we try to get up again and again and again and again. Fix everything that someone has ruined...

Beloved little me... You can exist and be as you are; Damaged and shattered... What he did to you was not right, it was wrong... Many long years of pain and sorrow, of chaos and amnesia, of dissociation and depression. But we try to get up again and again and again.

My hearing disappears and the world becomes blurry, never again... Pop! It goes black, I disappear.

Amnesia when living with Dissociative Identity Disorder can look very different. Amnesia means memory loss and is more than just forgetfulness.

The most notable is when you get total amnesia. This can happen when another part has been there and we haven't been co-conscious (meaning I could "sit and watch" when the other part was there). Total amnesia can mean you lose everything from a few minutes to days and weeks. And this happens because the amnesic barriers between parts mean that you can't always share memories.

I usually use the example of when I realized at one point that I didn't remember anything at all. I was browsing through all my pictures and found a picture of me and a baby. I didn't understand who the baby was and since Dad was also in the picture, I sent it to him and asked who the baby was. It was my brother's son when they were still in the hospital after the birth. I have no memory of being in the hospital and visiting my brother's son and haven't been able to work out who of everyone inside was there. It's scary when you realize that you don't remember things that happened and so...

You can also have incomplete amnesia, meaning that you are a little foggy and may remember something but not everything. This often happens to us, for example, that we remember an event but not who was with us at the event. Or vice versa, we remember who was there but not exactly what happened. This can happen when we switch or are mixed with another part. It can also happen when you switch often or several times in a short time. Then we can, for example, lose 5 minutes and then remember 5 minutes and then lose 10 minutes, etc. This is because we jump between parts. It sometimes happens if we are really stressed but can also happen otherwise, but usually if we are stressed or pressured.

Then we come to co-consciousness. This means that you are, for example, sitting in the back seat of a car and seeing what the driver is doing and where he is driving, but you can't do anything about how the driver is driving. This is often extremely frustrating because, for example, I can look at the part self-harming and think: "That's not good" or "That's just so stupid to do". It's very frustrating and you feel completely helpless in the situation. It's also difficult because you can't do much about it, the only thing you can do is work on the communication inside to reduce the occurrence of such situations...

Having amnesia is one of the hardest things to deal with. It's downright awful when you lose track of time, space and what happened. It's frustrating and confusing and I often feel like I'm going completely crazy. But we're working on it and, for example, we're careful to write everything down and take lots of photos. It helps a little in everyday life, and then you just have to work on acceptance to make it feel a little easier.

I sat and looked through all my books and there was also my own book; She Falls Heavy. I have thought a lot about the book. If I had written it today, it would have looked completely different. So much has happened in the 2-3 years since I wrote the book, but I feel that it represents my life right then and there. She Falls Heavy feels chaotic and messy at times, but that is because I am describing a life of chaos (Even though I thought life was much better than before then, which it was, but now I know even more. Luckily, you never stop having new experiences as long as you live)... There are parts I had chosen not to include and parts I had chosen to add. I had wanted to rewrite the factual part a little and add more descriptions of what it can actually be like in everyday life when living with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I had wanted to scale down the descriptions of the abuse, at the same time as I needed to write about myself. In the book I write DIS and not DID, it was because DID is the English translation and I thought why not write in Swedish. But that was apparently the most confusing, so in the audiobook I have chosen to read DID instead. (Most diagnoses have a Swedish translation, EIPS is called EUPD in English for example...). I really don't want the book to be perceived as a feel-good book, I really hope it's not like that... I tried to describe my reality and my experiences more.

Regardless, I am proud to have written it and that we dared to publish it. It still feels like an important book. There are not many books from Sweden about Dissociative Identity Disorder. DID is a controversial diagnosis that is constantly under attack from those who believe that we do not exist. But we are here and we experience life in our own way. Unfortunately, I think a big problem is that so many accounts popped up on social media during the pandemic that were/are more theatrical than fact-oriented. I do not take a position on whether these individuals actually have DID or not, but their way of portraying DID hurt more than helped. This is because DID is so much more than living with a feeling of having multiple personalities. Dissociative Identity Disorder is a complicated and difficult trauma diagnosis that means chaos and suffering for those living with the diagnosis. You lose time and space, which contributes to confusion. You always have PTSD and usually other psychiatric diagnoses, such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders and self-harm. Suicide and suicide attempts are extremely common when living with DID. Not being believed and called a liar is both frustrating and insulting.

But right now I can't put the energy into it because I'm stressed and anxious enough without having to feel angry too. We're stressed and worried that grandma isn't really well, and this week one of her little brothers died, which has given me serious anxiety about how long I'll have my fantastic grandma. Selfishly, I don't know how we would cope if she disappeared... I was a cat sitter for a few days when grandma was in the hospital, came home on Wednesday evening and will be leaving again tomorrow. We really can't do it but feel like we have to, she's worth it, everything she's done for me over the years. And now she'll be 95 in two weeks and needs all the help she can get. Gah! I'm starting to laugh just writing this. It's terrible how quickly it can go, from an exuberant aunt to someone who can't handle it because her health is getting in the way. But I'm not going to take anything out of it in advance. She will hopefully recover and live until she is 100 years old, as we have decided for her. But what do you do when one of your favorite people in life is not feeling well and you can do nothing more than watch, you can't magically take away that bad thing... It may be fine, but now that Grandma's brother died, death and Grandma's age became so tangible...

// Freya

I was thinking the other day; Why is suicide and self-harm so common in Dissociative Identity Disorder and Complex PTSD? To even begin to understand, we must stop seeing the behavior as a problem, and start seeing it as a desperate solution to unbearable inner pain. Now I will mostly assume what it is like for us but also some general information. This is a serious topic and perhaps difficult for you to read, but I believe it is so important to shed light on. We don't self-harm that often anymore, almost not at all in fact, and we constantly struggle not to end up there. Suicide attempts can happen when we are at our worst, but we work preventively there, seeking help in time for example.

For us it is usually about punishment, punishing the body and mind because we are no longer worthy, because we are wrong as a person and because we are ashamed. When you grow up with trauma, you often internalize the voice of the perpetrator. The vast majority of people living with DID have parts that mimic the perpetrator, and that often do and say the same things that the perpetrator did. This means that we have parts that pick on us inside and that, when they front, can harm the body in various ways. Not all persecuting inner selves can front, most only act inside.

Self-harm is not always a punishment, it can also be a vent and a better alternative (instead of killing ourselves). Another reason can be when you don't feel your body (depersonalization), then self-harm can be an attempt to feel something again. The times we have self-harmed because we haven't felt our body, it has become dangerous, when we don't feel that we are harming ourselves. It is an incredibly surreal feeling to be co-conscious, for example (meaning that you can follow what is happening but you can't do anything about it because you are not the one who is in charge), I can look at what is happening and I think, God, how stupid to do that, but I can't stop the part that is self-harming. The dangerous thing about not feeling the pain is that you can hurt yourself really seriously and even end up taking your own life, even though that may not have been the point of the self-harm.

For us, there is a huge difference between self-harm and suicide attempts. In the case of self-harm, it can, as I said, happen because of self-hatred, shame and punishment (and for some even as a vent). It can also happen as a compromise to committing suicide. We have made too many suicide attempts and it can happen when we are in a depressive episode and see no other way out than to disappear. It becomes really dangerous because we can become just as stubborn about dying as we are about living when we feel better. We have several times ended up in really dangerous situations because psychiatry often sees suicide attempts as self-harm and sends someone out of the ward if something happens there.

Suicidality is really dangerous and should always be taken seriously! Psychiatry sees a difference between suicidal thoughts and plans. It often starts as thoughts, but it is when it becomes a plan that it becomes dangerous because that is when I, for example, can decide when and how and acquire things to use. We always try to seek hospital care when we notice that it is starting to become a plan. Of course, suicidal thoughts should also be taken seriously, for example, you can ask the person who is having suicidal thoughts if they have any plans and what the thoughts look like. Dare to listen, don't panic and help the person adequately. If the person is in the thinking stage, try to be there and listen and refer or help the person get help, for example via the health center. If the person is in the planning stage, it is probably time to go to the psychiatric emergency room.

Don't be afraid to say the wrong things, but please avoid talking about how selfish it is to take your own life... This is extremely unhelpful and only gives the suicidal person more self-hatred and feelings of shame. It is also usually not that helpful to hear that you have such a nice life or good family and friends... Instead, just try to be there and maybe do things that can cheer the other person up, like going for walks, playing games or doing puzzles. Feel free to encourage the suicidal person to express themselves in text, pictures or to talk about how they feel. And if you feel that you can't be there or listen, don't do it. You can then refer the person to the health center, psychiatry or in emergency situations 112.

When I'm suicidal I struggle with so much shame and self-hatred. I know how bad it will do to everyone around me, I know it will crush people, but you don't think logically when you're suicidal. You become extremely simple-minded and you don't see any other way out at that moment. It feels like total darkness, it's so painful to live that I can't take it anymore. It's not so much about wanting to die but we can't live with everything either. For some parts it's not about the will but that we have to die, we can't live on because we are such a terrible person. So it's incredibly complicated and so individual, but keep in mind that you are never responsible or the cause of suicide or self-harm.

There are a few things you can look out for when someone is feeling down. Some people who are suicidal feel happier and calmer when they have set a date to commit suicide, so if your relative or friend suddenly changes from feeling down to feeling better, it can sometimes be a warning sign. If the person withdraws or starts giving things away or starts writing farewell letters or text messages, then it is time to take action. For example, I have transferred money to family members and started writing that I love them more than usual as well. This often happens a day or so before or on the day of the suicide, and then it is time to take the person to the psychiatric emergency room or call 112.

Self-harm is extremely complicated and multifaceted. The reason for self-harm is, as you may have understood, complicated and individual. If the injury is serious enough, the person needs to seek care. Either via the health center or the emergency room. When you self-harm, you also don't think logically and often the injuries get worse and more serious the longer you keep at it. It is extremely unhelpful to say, for example, that the injury is not that dangerous or that it is "just" a scratch, or a cut that doesn't need stitches. This can make some individuals feel that the injury is not good enough and that they have to do something worse next time... So don't minimize them, but don't encourage them either by giving the wrong attention (too much focus on the injury, for example). Try to remain calm if someone you know has self-harmed, ask how it happened, try to get them to put into words what they are feeling. Many who self-harm do this as a vent, they don't know how to handle their emotions and when it gets too much, they hurt themselves to regulate themselves. But there are also those (like us) who self-harm to punish themselves. There is help available! For many with self-harming behavior, the treatment method Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has worked well. Among other things, it teaches you about emotions and how to handle them and regulate yourself in a non-destructive way.

There are those who threaten suicide or self-harm and this is completely unacceptable. If you have a friend or family member who threatens to harm someone to get their way, do not go along with it. And if you have ever threatened in this way, stop it. It is not okay behavior anywhere. What the person who behaves like this is doing is trying to get their way by shifting the blame onto someone else. It is sick behavior and the individual is not healthy, but be clear and firm that their behavior is unacceptable and that you will not take it personally because it is not your fault. It is never your fault or responsibility. The person is sick and needs professional help. If you need help in such a relationship, there is help available. For example, you can contact the Shedo association or another support group. If the person is a minor and goes to school, you can contact the school to get help.

At the same time, it is important not to see it as a threat when someone tries to tell you about their suicidal thoughts or self-harm. It is good if they are allowed to express what they are thinking and feeling. One last thing, you can self-harm without being diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Syndrome (EIPS), but many people with EIPS self-harm.

Now I have written a long post and I have probably missed something important but this was a bit about suicidality and self-harm. If you have any thoughts or concerns, please write in the comments field.

If it is urgent , that someone wants to commit suicide now or that the self-harm is so serious that care is needed now, always call 112 !

Helpline
Phone: 90390
Written advice: www.hjalplinjen.se/skriftlig_radgivning

Priest on duty
Chat: www.svenskakyrkan.se/jourhavandeprast/chatta
Telephone: 112 and ask to be connected to the priest on duty.

On-call fellow human being
Chat: www.jourhavande-medmanniska.se/chatt
Phone: 08-702 16 80

Church SOS
Phone: 0771-800 650
The SOS mailbox (web service): www.svenskakyrkan.se/kyrkans-sos

Mind Suicide Line
Chat: www.chat.mind.se
Phone: 90 101

Suicide Prevention and Survivor Support (SPES)
Phone: 020-18 18 00

Family line
Phone: 0200-239 500

Shedo
Here you can find more support lines and chat with them.
Chat: https://sjalvskadechatten.shedo.se
Jourmail: https://jourmail.shedo.se/

All the best to you!

// Joy

Now we are at our regular hospital after more chaotic days, but now we finally feel like we have started to settle down a bit. We came here on Monday the 19th... The doctor at hospital no. 2 chose to drop the LPT on Monday and send us home. Or rather they said we should go to hospital no. 3 but we didn't want any more, didn't want the help. We came home to our apartment and there we were for a few hours, we talked to our therapist who understood how bad it was. So a new medical certificate was written and we had to go to hospital no. 3 where we got a new LPT, which we had for two days. Now we are at HSL after the threat that if we had to have an LPT we would go back to hospital no. 2 (because in terms of address we belong to them and for LPT you have to be at your given hospital address. It's complicated I know...). At least now we've been at hospital no. 3 (our home hospital) for about four days and are starting to settle in a bit.

On Monday we will have a meeting with the hospital, outpatient care and accommodation to discuss our care and such. It feels good that we will have it. Today I spoke with the department's psychologist for a while (and yesterday with the department's peer supporter). It was rewarding and at times it feels like the brain is starting to work again, with emphasis on at times, but it's a good start. It's more glimpses than we've seen in weeks.

I have to say that my home hospital is really good, especially in comparison to the others we have been to. The staff is professional and nice (at hospital no. 2 they were incredibly unprofessional) and the doctor is good (even though we don't always agree). Over the last 5-6 years this department has developed fantastically well and we hope it continues to be like this and better. There is always potential for improvement. I think we often write about how the care doesn't work, so it's good to write about when the care does work too. It's usually quiet and safe here and everyone has their own room with their own toilet and shower. The staff is committed and takes the time to listen and support.

What makes the ward work so well is of course everyone on the floor, the mental health nurses and the nurses, but also that the ward has a doctor who actually wants the best for her patients. She is out on the ward sometimes and checks on the situation and I like that. I will admit that we don't always agree with each other and so on, but I like her. She doesn't throw patients out the same day they are admitted and she can be both tough and firm and calm. She is easy to talk to because she listens. Even if she doesn't agree, you are allowed to say what you think and feel.

The department has a peer supporter (someone who has been sick and hospitalized but now works to support others), and there is also a psychologist and a counselor. Both are fantastic to talk to, they are the kind of people you just gain trust in almost immediately. The department is newly built and fresh, there are two smaller TV/craft rooms, a slightly larger TV/dining room and a small gym room. There is also a washing machine and dryer, a smoking room and a non-smoking balcony. The department is quiet because the walls, floors and ceilings prevent echoing. The surroundings and being able to have a little privacy make a big difference.

The department serves breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper (if you need something in between, it can usually be arranged), there is always fresh fruit and coffee and tea are always available during the day. The department is large in size, which means you don't have to run into each other, which we like.

Sure, we feel frustrated about some things, but we don't need to bring that up here because now we're writing about how things are actually working well overall in this department. Our hope is to feel okay enough to be able to go home on maybe Wednesday or something... We'll see what the doctor says on Monday.

There have been a lot of memory gaps this week when, for example, I haven't fronted for a few days. So it's hard to know exactly what happened even though we've been told. We've made medication adjustments, we've increased one of the antidepressants and replaced one of the sleeping pills, we're still trying to figure out how many tablets we need. We've also been given medication for our fast heart rate, if needed, since we've been lying so high lately.

Hope everything is well with you!

// Joy

The actual move to the new hospital yesterday went well. But that was only thanks to the fantastic correctional officers. No one told me that we were going to be moved until I questioned the whole thing, then they said that I was going to be moved on Monday before they came and said that the ride would be here in an hour. I had a total panic but once I was in the transport the correctional officers managed to calm me down. They were super sweet the whole time. We were dropped off at the psychiatric emergency room where I sat for several hours and then had to come to the same department where the IVO and police-reported doctor works. They lied to me and said that he was no longer working but when I got to the department he was doing it together with a female doctor. However, he is not in place now during the weekend...

So I arrive at the ward quite late in the evening. I am completely exhausted after a long day with a lot of anxiety and tension. I don't sleep much at night (I haven't slept much on other days since Wednesday either) and I try to take it easy. However, I have had a heart rate of over 100bpm all the time since Wednesday, mostly 120-140bpm. I talk to friends on the phone to distract ourselves, then we have a doctor's appointment with the one of the senior doctors on the ward. I talk to her for a long time, I saw in the medical record that they wrote EIPS as a diagnosis, which makes me sad and tired. She tells me that I have EIPS and that dissociative disorders don't exist, so she doesn't plan to write this in my medical record. They didn't write about my PTSD or anything else either.

I tell her that if they are going to use the EIPS diagnosis, I want an investigation for this. To which she replies that they don't do investigations at the hospital (which is bullshit since I did the investigation for anoxic brain damage at the hospital and I know others who have received, for example, ADHD investigations), she at least thinks that I can do it through outpatient care... I point out that I did the investigation at the outpatient care that gave me the DID diagnosis. She squirmed like a damn politician, didn't answer a single one of the tough questions from me. In short, it ended with our LPT being revoked tomorrow and us being sent home. She wanted me to go to my home hospital and seek continued care, which I will not do. Because quite honestly, I can't take it anymore.

She also says that I have such a nice circle of family and friends around me. She questions why I feel bad when I have good friends, a son and a decent family. It's not my family that made me feel bad, it's sexual abuse and bullying in childhood. We are so incredibly grateful for everyone we have around us, but that doesn't take away the fact that we feel terribly bad. So now we feel even more ashamed of everything. We know that it would crush many around us if we were to succeed one day and we have such terrible regret about it, but yes, we feel the way we feel and are the way we are.

I've been on high alert since Thursday and it feels like I'm in constant danger. I've had to advocate for us for four days now and I, well no one in the system, can take it anymore. We shouldn't have to explain over and over again how we work and then still not be believed. Should you have to do that when you don't want to be there? So tomorrow we're going home and we don't intend to go to a third hospital in five days.

We have felt like idiots for quite some time now, like someone who doesn't have DID or any other diagnosis but is just completely stupid. Maybe it's that we're just imagining everything we experience. That we're not experiencing the world for real. I feel like a ghost and as if I had a contagious disease and no one wants to grab me with pliers.

The consequences of how healthcare treats you make you worse. We should have been allowed to come to a ward and be there in peace and quiet to be able to turn the shit around that right now feels irreversible. Instead, we are being questioned and it feels like the staff is laughing at us behind our backs.

We can't take it anymore!!

Hope you're having a better week than us!

// Joy

What is it like to be a mother and be admitted to an inpatient psychiatric ward? The short answer is very different, depending on where you are admitted and how sick you are. It is not good for children to see their parent in certain conditions.

My experience is very mixed. The ward we are currently in doesn't allow children at all, but I think there is a room in the lock where you can meet. In the hospital we are in, children are usually allowed in but have to be in the room or family room, it probably depends a bit on how small the child is and also which patients are admitted at the time. If there is someone acting strongly, children should not be there, they could get scared and in the worst case, injured.

When we were at our worst, drugged and hospitalized, it was not appropriate for us to see our son. We didn't understand that at the time, unfortunately, and were most upset and angry about the hospital and social services' decision. But when you get so drugged that you can't walk straight or talk without slurring, it's not appropriate for your children to see you, especially not if the child is small. We could probably stretch to allow children around 15-16 years old to decide for themselves, but then another adult needs to be there to support you both before, during and after the visit.

We have been extremely destructive, both self-harming and making many suicide attempts. We have had band-aids and fresh scars that our son has seen after self-harming and our son has seen us with red stripes around our necks and bloodshot eyes after suicide attempts. It is not good for children to see that but my brain was not working properly then, or not at all I would say. That is not an excuse, it is just the truth. We were not a good mother when we were at our worst. Right now we are feeling very bad but so far we have logic around this at least at times, like right now. It depends on who is fronting and who is not. It is also not an excuse because you have to take responsibility for what everyone in the system does.

We have always had our son's best interests at heart in everything we have done, but when the brain is not working and "dangerous" parts are out (dangerous to ourselves then) it is difficult to actually say and do the right things, that things go wrong is more the rule than the exception when you have completely lost your footing and we parents must understand this. It is obvious that we have made our son scared and worried even though we tried to talk down the seriousness of it all. Children are not stupid, they can piece together pieces and if they do not get enough information (at their level) their imagination will fill in the gaps, and having the gaps filled by children's imagination is not good. They tend to blame everything on themselves and their imaginations are rarely positive in such situations.

We wish we had known this when we got sick, that we had a role model who could explain and guide us. And we wish we had received the right diagnosis and help right away, because if we had known what we know today, we would have placed our son in foster care right away. If we had been given the right tools from the start, I don't think we would have been quite as confused.

If you have a decent presence and are calm when you are sick, children can absolutely visit you. It is so different depending on why you are hospitalized, why you are sick and what possible diagnosis you have. But if you tell your 7-year-old that you tried to die, when your son wonders why you have red eyes and a red mark around your neck, then you should not visit your son. He should not have had to go through that and I am so sorry that it happened. I don't remember it but it was in my and my son's social service records. It was when we were at our worst around 2017 and had been diagnosed.

You can, however, explain to your child, but at the child's level. You can use lighter language and you don't have to say anything about suicide at all, unless the child himself has thoughts about it. Because if the child has started to think about it, you have to talk about it. We don't believe in ignoring things that are important for the child to know. Honesty lasts the longest, even if you simplify and embellish a little. A big problem for me and my son was that we were on our own, I was completely alone with a completely absent father. This made the whole situation so much more difficult when we had to involve social services. The involvement of social services was both necessary, good and in some cases bad. But that's another story.

It is important that adults around the sick person (family or friends or healthcare or school, etc.) are observant of how things work and, above all, how the child reacts and feels in the situation. If the child is not feeling well, help must be provided, either through family and relatives or through social services. The child's well-being must come first, always!

So even though I was a wonderful mother to my son until it stopped and we got sick, I/we haven't been enough during the illness. You become absent-minded, have more difficulty with patience and you simply can't think clearly. We have worked hard to be a good mother, we have never forgotten him. On the contrary, if we had spent more time on ourselves and our well-being, it would probably have been better for both me and my son. But it's easy to be in hindsight.

We also believed that it would hurt our son more if he was not allowed to see us. We believed that he would feel abandoned and unloved if he was not allowed to see us. We had needed support from social services and healthcare and that they had repeatedly explained to us that we would be able to see our son when we felt better. We believed and were convinced that we would never see our son again.

What you should remember is that the healthcare system always sends a report of concern to social services when you have a child under 18 and he is admitted to inpatient psychiatric care. And that's good, it's not dangerous. Most often, social services make a home visit and meet the parents. If there is good support, two parents or others nearby who can support, nothing more happens. It is if the child's health and development seem to be in danger that they open investigations. And the investigation can show either that the child is coping well in the situation or that the family needs support. Since we thought I would recover, we didn't place him right away; if we had known what we know today, we would have chosen a different path. But as I said before, it's easy to be in hindsight...

If you become mentally ill, you need someone else's opinion on what will be best too. This is so incredibly important because the child must come first. Even if you don't think it affects your child, believe me, it does affect your child. But with the right approach and clear communication to the child, the child doesn't have to be harmed. We wrote a book (Kotten's mother gets sick) for our son so that he could put into words what happened, we did this before we were at our worst and it actually helped our son a lot. Books are great to read so that the child can identify with themselves. There are also groups where the child can go and meet other children in similar situations, this can also help some children. We believe that the most important thing is to talk and talk so that the child doesn't close themselves off with all the pain.

Now this post is long so we think we'll wrap it up here for now. If you have any questions or anything else you want us to talk about, don't hesitate to write in the comments field.

All the best to you!

// Freya

As you may have noticed, we haven't been feeling so well lately. We're honestly feeling really bad. 2025 has been a turbulent year and all winter we've been dipping more and more. So right now it's so bad that we have to be hospitalized.

Right now we are at the nearest hospital from where we live but I read in my medical record that our regular hospital does not want to accept us because of LPT and that we will instead be transferred to the hospital that we belong to through where we live. I really don't want to go there. That's where the chaos in the summer was created and we almost lost our lives. Hopefully we won't have to go to the same ward and that doctor at least... The people on the ward still haven't told me that we are moving. Regardless, it feels anxious and difficult. I asked and then the nurse said that we would stay here over the weekend, so we will probably be moved on Monday. Ugh... I really don't want to, and even less want to be here now.

Being shut out makes us feel so terribly invisible, unimportant and that we might as well disappear. But I have to admit that my friends encourage us. And our family and especially our son need us. It would crush the son and grandmother but at the same time it feels like... well, you get the idea. That feeling that we should disappear and you become extremely illogical, unfortunately. It's just dark and heavy.

We switch, dissociate and have flashes of lightning in our bodies and on top of that high anxiety, worry and depression. This is an attempt to explain a little at least...

// Jonas

The other day we plucked up the courage and wrote an email to our therapist about what we would like to work on in therapy. We have tried to work on our dreams (because the therapist wanted this) and it is just so difficult. Like impossible, because we have such a hard time looking forward. It works about as well as looking back... in other words, very choppy and amnesiac.

But what we want to work on in therapy is of course to get more control over the world inside and to have better communication between parts. We have many parts, but most of them are EP parts, which means that they do not work in the real world, but they can affect the part that is fronting. There are about 10 fronting parts that I know of. How do we know about each other? Not all parts know about each other or know each other, but several parts know that other parts exist. This is because we log who is fronting in the Daylio app. Not all parts remember to log, but we who do log who is in the HUB at the time we log.

The other night we couldn't sleep and to have something to do we made a powerpoint presentation about: Being a mother and living with mental illness. Kind of like a future lecture, because I know we want to give a lecture. But right now we have a hard time watching the lecture. That's what happens when you don't feel so good. Regardless, we think it's an incredibly important topic to talk about. A topic that is kind of taboo and we really needed a role model like that when we got sick.

For us it was exceptional, we had to seek help from social services because we didn't have an active father for our son or anyone in the family/relatives who could help. It hurts so terribly inside to know how badly my mental state has affected my son. When I got pregnant, I planned for my son to have a trauma-free "perfect" childhood (not that there are any perfect childhoods, but you get the idea). A safe, predictable and loving upbringing. There is certainly plenty of love, but it's not enough when everything else in his upbringing has been chaotic and insecure.

We have really tried to be there, been terrified that he would feel abandoned, but when you are so sick and confused that you can't even take care of yourself, it's easy to just do wrong. You say and do the wrong things, even though you don't mean for anything to go wrong. It's really hard to develop a relationship with your child, it feels like you're losing the child when the child doesn't live with you and you don't see each other that often. It's also really important to respect the child's wishes. If the child doesn't want to be seen, the child shouldn't have to be seen, and in some situations it's also important that you as a parent see that it's not appropriate to be seen. However, this is so terribly difficult to decide when you yourself are sick. Sometimes outsiders or the healthcare system need to step in and help. The most important thing is that the child always comes first. No matter how much it hurts in your heart and how much you long for your child, it's not always appropriate for the child to see you, especially not if the child himself says no.

There is a lot to say about social services... a lot... but I will always maintain that they are needed. They are very important but could do with a lot of work on their treatment and involvement of parents and all their prejudices. There needs to be a change in attitude within social services. But the social work program is far too broad. They read a little bit about a lot, they might need a little more that you niche yourself into what you want to work with, so your skills are improved. Oh well... that will have to be another post.

All the best to you!

// Maray

We have posted a new video on our YouTube; Everyone must be allowed to be there! So if you want to watch me sew and talk about parts inside, take a look there!

Click here to go to our YOUTUBE

All the best to you!

// Freya

Many days are incredibly difficult when you live with complex trauma. We often have destructive thoughts and flashbacks. It has made me think about the fact that traumatic memories do not function like ordinary memories. Traumatic memories do not feel like the past but like the present.

This is because traumatic memories are stored differently in the brain than regular memories. They are usually remembered as sensations, emotions, impulses and bodily reactions. They are not stored as pure memory images. Traumatic memories often leave you feeling extremely confused. You may not remember what happened, but your body remembers how it felt.

When you are exposed to trauma, your brain prioritizes overeating, not storytelling. So details, timelines, and logic aren’t stored properly. Often, traumatic memories are triggered and it feels like they come out of nowhere. It could be a scent, a tone of voice, or a bodily sensation that triggers traumatic memories and flashbacks. It’s the nervous system that recognizes something before the mind does.

A flashback can feel like the terrible thing is happening again, right now. This is because traumatic memories don't always come with a sense of the past. They can feel like they're happening right now, because the body doesn't know it's not happening now, that it's over.

It's completely normal for traumatic memories to not look like regular memories. It doesn't mean you're exaggerating or making it up. It means your brain and nervous system have learned to survive. So even though you may not have the words to describe what you're experiencing during a traumatic memory or flashback, you can trust that your body remembers.

Hope you have a good day!

// Jonas